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Vanquish Review

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:36:26 GMT

Published by: SEGA
Developed by: Platinum Games
Genre: Third Person Shooter

A great game that no one is playing.

     Flying under the radar of the CODs, Battlefields and Gears of Wars is one of the more exciting action games to come out in awhile. To say that the game Vanquish holds your attention would be an understatement. You barely have time to breathe let alone feel bored in this non-stop and relentless firefight. At one moment you’ll be dodging attacks in the slow motion bullet time and then you’ll be accelerating form 0 – 60 in seconds thanks to the sliding boost feature. Throw in a few quick time events and you begin to feel like a 75 year-old man trying to cross a busy intersection because of those pesky mechanical horse drawn carriages.

Boosting, it's not just for cheap imported cars anymore.

     Created by the same developers responsible for the all-time great game Resident Evil 4, including lead director Shinji Mikami, Vanquish prides itself on being fast and furious. You’ll quickly lose yourself killing wave after wave of robots in a very unique and interesting sci-fi atmosphere. The game contains an abundance of cinematic cut-scenes that are very well directed and edited. A variety of weapons keeps the disposing of your enemies fresh, although I could see some gamers finding the combat repetitive. The game’s story is very laughable but the cheesy dialogue and over-the-top characters are part of its charm. Vanquish creates its own identity and sticks to it. The game encourages smoking, drinking, and showcases plenty of short skirt low angle shots of the game’s main female character. Despite racking up a body count that would rival most major wars the game also carries a sense of humor that keeps things fun.

Can you count the number of bullets in this picture?

     Those looking for a multiplayer experience will be disappointed because MP is not an option, which I didn’t mind because I couldn’t see multiplayer being feasible due to the bullet time features of the game’s controls. Vanquish is also a very short game. I consider myself someone who takes their time while playing through a game and I beat the main campaign in just under 7 hours (6:59:59 to be exact). I guess this is partly due to the incredibly fast pace of the action. You can start a mission and be done it within in five minutes. Not to say this a bad thing because within those 5 minutes there can be 5 holy shit WTF moments that you don’t experience in other more conventional action games. This is the first game in a long time that I started playing again as soon as I had beaten it. I never do that! Also, if you make it to the end make sure to watch what is perhaps the most clever credit roll in gaming.

4 Over the shoulder tossed cigarettes out of 5

BEST OF 2011

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 02:18:17 GMT

Here's a list of things I did to kill time and entertain myself with for the year 2011. You'll notice that not everything is from the year 2011 though. The books I read and the video games I played are from different years. Only the "Movies" list is strictly films I'm rating from 2011, because I don't have time to list every single movie I saw this year.

BOOKS

Hawaiian Dick: Byrd of Paradise
Story by B. Clay Moore
Art by Steven Griffin

OK, NOTHING SPECIAL

Mass Effect: Ascension
By Drew Karpyshyn

OK, NOTHING SPECIAL

Richard Stark's Parker: The Outfit
Adapted and Illustrated by Darwyn Cooke

OK, NOTHING SPECIAL

Mass Effect: Revelation
By Drew Karpyshyn

OK - This was the best book I read in 2011. It beat out the other books because if you've ever played a "Mass Effect" game then you'll understand why it's cool to know how Saren learned how to gain control of the Geth.

MOVIES

Tree of Life

AWFUL - the worst movie of 2011 and a clear example of why I hate film critics and the so-called "artists" of Hollywood.

Paul

AWFUL

Batman: Year One

AWFUL

Attack The Block

AWFUL

Your Highness

AWFUL

Terri

BAD

Super 8

BAD

Battle: Los Angeles

BAD

Limitless

OK

Cedar Rapids

OK

Captain America

OK

BTW - 2011 has to be the worst year in movies that I can ever remember!!!

Thor

GOOD

Atlas Shrugged Part I

GOOD - As a fan of Ayn Rand I was glad that they were somewhat able to capture her genius with this film. Her writing definitely reads better than acted out on screen, but hopefully the film at least introduces a new audience to her work.

Ayn Rand: In Her Own Words

GOOD - The best film I saw in 2011. A decent documentary about one of the greatest minds of all-time.

VIDEO GAMES

LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures

OK - but then again why is a 34 year-old playing this to begin with?

Full House Poker

OK - Online poker was banned on April 15, 2011. Next thing I knew I was playing this game and betting "play money" for fun. Poker in America has hit an all-time low.

Singularity

GOOD

Dragon Age II

GOOD

LA Noire

GOOD

Half Life 2: Episode 1 & 2

GOOD - Dear Valve can we please get a fucking resolution to the world of Half Life? It's been long enough!!!

Dead Space

GOOD

Age of Mythology

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME - finally got around to beating this RTS classic.

Mass Effect

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME

Gears of War 3

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME

Limbo

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME

Portal

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME

Batman Arkham City

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME

Mass Effect 2

ALL-TIME GREAT GAME - The best game I played in 2011 and easily one of the best video games ever made. And there's a good chance that "Mass Effect" will top this list again in 2012 as "Mass Effect 3" comes out in March.

MORE MYSTERIOUS MONEY MARKINGS

Jeff Larsen — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 23:02:28 GMT

Here's a whole new batch of weird stuff on hundred dollar bills. Someone told me that these markings are actually called "chop" marks and that they are used by foreign countries to keep track of non-counterfeit bills, but I think there's more to these unusual works of art. There's a conspiracy in here somewhere.

LETTERS

A red letter B in a circle.

Two letter B's in a blue circle.

A purple letter P.

Blue letters SPN along with a purple symbol of what looks like a diamond.

NUMBERS

The number 28698.

SYMBOLS

Blue Arabic writing in a circle.

All kinds of marks: Arabic symbol, a sun with writing inside it, random numbers, and initials RIB.

A money symbol on money, kind of redundant.

BREW REVIEW: Oskar Blues Gordon Imperial Red

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:34:41 GMT

     The great beer boom of America that has been going strong now for over a decade has introduced millions of drinkers to new flavors and brands, but this hoppy explosion has come with a price. In the case of Oskar Blues Brewery's Gordon Imperial Red you're looking at spending $11.99 for 4 beers that come in cans. A frugal shopper will tell you that you can buy a 12 pack of most domestic beers for $11.99 and that's even without them being on sale. But welcome to the new day of beer snobs and beer elitists.

     Is Gordon Imperial Red a good beer? Yes, it is. It's satisfying, has a great color, packs a nice 8.7% ABV, but it's not worth $11.99 for 4 cans. I've seen other breweries like Dogfish Head go down this road and tell their consumers that their ingredients and the time they put into their beers are where the money goes, but let's be honest, one beer drinker to another, the biggest ingredient in beer as is in soda and as in wine is water. That's why ultimately after everything is done one single beer that has been mass produced really only costs about 25 cents to make. Given that Oskar Blues isn't as big as Budweiser I'll say that it costs them $1 to make one of their beers and obviously they don't have the same volume that Bud does, but why are you really paying that much extra for a good beer? Is it really that unique and one of a kind? Or is it just an image the Oskar Blues and Dogfish Head want you to buy into?

     So go ahead and feel proud and special that you're drinking a Gordon Imperial Red...you've paid for it!

MYSTERIOUS MONEY MARKINGS

Jeff Larsen — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:13:10 GMT

     Being that I play a lot of poker I always have cash on me. And something I've noticed in the last year or so are the mysterious markings I keep seeing on hundred dollar bills. Now I know it seems to be trendy to hate on the Federal Reserve and blast the U.S. Treasury for how they bail out people, and being a poker player I don't have any love for either of them at the moment, but that doesn't mean I would fuck with their money.


On the left: A blue triangle with a B in it, the red number 396-2 On the right: a blue RP in a circle

     Of the 16 examples I have; 13 have markings on the front of the hundred dollar bill while 3 are on the back. What kind of sub culture is doing this? Is this the work of a Banksy type character? Is it some kind of elaborate form of communicating? Or is this what art school dropouts do to leave a mark?

     I've grouped the markings into four categories so far: Symbols, Animals, Letters/Initials and Random.

SYMBOLS

A red diamond with KK on one point

Could this have Middle Eastern connections?

Another possible Middle East connection?

This one looks like a fraternity symbol.

LETTERS/INITIALS

ANIMALS

A blue lion.

A red cat.

A blue bird with the initials A M on it.

RANDOM

I don't know what this is or if I even have it right-side up.

Two random blue markings on the right side of the bill with a red G in the bottom righthand corner.

WSOP 2011: The View From The Top

Jeff Larsen — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 02:00:26 GMT

The View from the top of The Stratosphere

      First of all...sorry. This blog should have been posted about 2 weeks ago but I got caught up with life at the shore and have neglected to finish my WSOP 2011 story. So here it is...the exciting conclusion to my annual poker vacation to Las Vegas.

June 29, 2011 - Las Vegas, NV - Day Three

     When we last left off I was down -$495 for my trip so far, but with two full days of poker left I felt I could get back in the black.

It's not how far you fall but how high you bounce.

     I decided to start the day by not playing poker but instead playing pinball. I figured a good way to stay off "tilt" was to check out the Pinball Hall of Fame which is right off of Tropicana Ave and looks like from the outside the most non-descript Hall of Fame in the world.

     But once you get inside you enter perhaps the greatest collection of working
pinball machines in the world. Now, the Pinball Hall of Fame doesn't have every single pinball machine ever made, but they are not far from it. Since 1991 the Hall has been collecting machines and encouraging the progress of pinball. 90% of the games cost 50 cents to play while the more recent machines cost 75 cents. I'd actually like to see every machine cost only a quarter but the selection and maintance of the machines make up for the extra cost.

Again with Spy Hunter

Bad Cats - one of my favorite old school machines

     The one thing about playing at the Pinball Hall of Fame is that much like how Funspot is the epicenter of arcade games and has the highest scores you'll find in the world; the machines at the PHF have insanely high scores and getting a replay is almost impossible on a popular machine. I did get two free games though....thanks to matching the Match.

Star Wars Pinball

Avatar - this just came out and costs 75 cents to play

Gottlieb, Williams, Moloney & Stern - the greatest names in pinball

     I played pinball for close to three hours before I figured it was time to go play poker. There's something about playing pinball that makes your mind and reflexes sharper so I felt good as I got out of a cab in front of the Aria.

     Since I had been having no luck at No Limit Hold'em I decided to change things up and play 1/2 Pot Limit Omaha at the Aria poker room. The Aria is the newest poker room on The Strip and it has wasted no time in becoming the hottest room in town for cash games, and PLO is the juiciest of the juice when it comes to action. In just one hour I won one of the biggest pots in my career and almost erased all of my losses for my trip so far.

     The key hand: I'm sitting with roughly $500 in front of me and get AA910, I think one of the Aces was suited with diamonds. Eventhough this was a 1/2 game, PLO games, especially at the Aria, play very fast and aggressive. The action before the flop was $40 to go and I just called. Myself and two other players saw a flop of A34 with two spades, with $120 in the pot the first player bets out $80, I call and and a player behind me calls. The turn is a 9 of clubs. The initial bettor now checks and I bet $220, the player behind me tanks for about 2 minutes and then shoves all-in on me, the initial raiser folds and I call. The river comes a 9 of hearts making my hand a full house of Aces over 9's. The villian mucks his hand and I'm pushed a pot of $1130, putting me up $630. I play for a little while longer and start to feel the momentum of my big hand starting to fade, and once you lose your mojo in PLO it's wise to get up. I give back over $200 in the process of losing my mojo and left the Aria poker room up $406.

The Monte Carlo

     The sad thing about Pot Limit Omaha is that it isn't spread as much as it should be in poker rooms. Pretty much if you're going to visit a bunch of poker rooms you're going to end up playing No-Limit Hold'em, which I don't mind but I like changing things up from time to time. The Monte Carlo poker room is about 1/4 the size of the Aria's room and they had about 5 1/3 No-Limit Hold'em games going when I got there. I sat down at what seemed like a pretty normal and straight forward hold'em game. The table was filled with middle-age men and older guys which usually means they either have it or they don't. You wouldn't anticipate any crazy moves or sick bluffs...looking back I didn't know what I was getting myself into. It turns out the table captain was this guy in his 60's from South Korea who was more of a craps junkie than a poker player. He controlled the action of the table with his raises and re-raises. Even worst you could never get him off a hand, twice he called me down on a board like KQ649, I'd bet on river with a missed flush draw and he'd call me with his 56 for a pair of sixes. At the same time when he wasn't calling you down with bottom pair he'd be ready and willing to play for stacks when he thought he had the best of it. I was waiting for my spot to get involved with him for a big pot but similar to the hold'em games the day before my opportunity never came. I closed my session down -$206 and headed back to the Stratosphere where I played some Roulette, Craps and got drunk on Pai Gow Poker.

     Overall between the Pinball Hall of Fame, roaming the The Strip and tables games at The Stratosphere I didn't really play much poker, but thanks to one big pot I did put a dent in my losses.

Aria 1/2 Pot Limit Omaha 1 hour: $406
Monte Carlo 1/3 NL Hold'em 4 hours: -$206

Down -$295

June 30, 2011 - Las Vegas, NV - Day Four

     My flight home was tonight at 11:00pm so I had one full day left to win back my money. I decided to head to my favorite poker room in Vegas; The Venetian Poker Room.

The Venetian

     The Venetian's poker room is well run and has nonstop action. I find that on average the best grinders play here so the competition is above normal. If I was wise and really wanted to win back my money I would go find a softer game somewhere else, but I only get out to Vegas once a year these days so I wanted to test myself. I sat down at 1/2 Pot Limit Omaha game and although it wasn't as fast and aggressive as my session at the Aria last night I did quickly accumulate an additional $200 or so to my starting stack. I gave back $100 and decide to stand-up before that bitch god named "Variance" got the best of me.

     I hadn't played any 2/5 No Limit Hold'em while I had been in Vegas and I decided to take a shot at one of those tables. The 2/5 game I sat down at was well above the normal game I usually play in. I bought in for $500 while most of the players at the table bought in for $1000. Unlike in Atlantic City where the max buy-in for a 2/5 game is $500, in Vegas most 2/5 games have a max buy-in of $1000 or even $1500. But I felt comfortable buying in for 100 big blinds so the starting stack sizes weren't much of an issue. What was an issue is that the players at this table weren't in Vegas for fun. These guys were dead serious poker players. They were going to test anyone and everyone who got in a hand with them. I saw some ridiculous bluffs and moves I would never see at the normal 1/2 game. A game like this raises your level of play but I was pretty much card dead. I saw multiple pots in the $500 range but I never really found a position to get involved in the action. Really the only hand of any significance I had was when I had pocket Kings and got one of the bigger stacks at the table to fold pre-flop when I 3 betted him. Since I really hadn't been playing any hands it was easy for the other player to put me on AA or KK. After a few hours I decided to try my luck in the less shark infested waters of the 1/2 NL Hold'em games.

     The 1/2 game I played in at The Venetian was a lot less volatile than the 2/5 game I was just playing but nothing I did seemed to work. Unsuccessful bluffs, AK losing to pocket pairs that held up. Over the next few hours I couldn't make any hands while my opponents connected with everything. The last topping on my cake of fail came when I had pocket Jacks and the flop came 456 rainbow. I bet out and a short stack of about $100 shoves all in on me. I call and off course the villian flips over 78 for a flopped straight. I was done with poker in Vegas. It was around 8:30pm and I decided to collect my things and head to the airport for my 11:00pm flight home.

Venetian 1/2 Pot Limit Omaha 2 hours: $95
Venetian 2/5 No-Limit Hold'em 2 hours: -$89
Venetian 1/2 No-Limit Hold'em 2 hours: -$200

Final Total for Las Vegas Trip: -$489

     Still nothing beats the energy of Las Vegas. As I boarded my flight home I wondered what if I had won that WSOP single table satellite four days ago. I checked to see who won WSOP Event #48 and some guy named Athanasios Polychronopouls won his first bracelet and $650,223. He was probably just a guy with a dream of poker glory. A guy just like me.

WSOP 2011: Up In The Air & Then Smashing To The Ground

Jeff Larsen — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 13:03:23 GMT

The Stratosphere

June 27, 2011 - Las Vegas, NV

      I arrived at The Stratosphere around 12:30 Vegas time for day one of my annual poker vacation to Sin City. Why The Stratosphere? Why not? Hey look it's a big needle thing like that thing in Seattle, and I've really never spent much time down at this end of the Vegas strip before (there might be a good reason for that).

The view from my hotel room

On channel 31 in your hotel room at The Stratosphere you can watch people get a thrill by jumping off a ledge really high up in the air.

     Right from the beginning The Strat had the kind of bush league hotel service that was instantly noticeable. My room for one wasn't ready, which actually served me well as I went to the poker room and won $196 in 2 hours playing 1-2 NL Hold'em, but when I did get to my room there really wasn't anything special about it. The view of The Strip was OK, the window was kind of small and unimpressive. The TV in the room had a fuzzy and grainy resolution. I'm not sure if it's even HD, maybe it just has really bad component cables? The TV's speakers were also blown out which was nice and irritable. The internet connection of course didn't work, which is why I'm posting two days of action in this one blog. It took the "technicians" at The Strat a good 5 hours to figure out why the connection wasn't working. But why am I bitching so much about my room? Who spends time in their room when they come to Vegas? Let's get to the action!!!

The heart of the 2011 World Series of Poker

     I entered The Rio feeling good after I had won almost $200 in just two hours while waiting for my room at The Stratosphere. The 2011 World Series of Poker had been running for weeks when I made my attempt to satellite into Event #48: $1500 No-Limit Hold'em. The satellite works by 10 players putting up $175 each and the winner gets a $1500 seat into the event. I managed to get myself into heads-up play with just one player remaining but unfortunately I only had 1500 in chips to my villain's 8500 in chips and a drastic turn of events did not happen and I finished 2/10.

The Final Table of a WSOP Event

     It's a real mood killer to get that close and watch an opportunity slip away. I checked out the big name pros in The Rio playing tournaments and cash games, but after my almost win I wasn't really in the mood to play so I headed back to The Strat and recharged for tomorrow.

Stratosphere 1/2 NL Hold'em 2 hours: $196
WSOP STS 2/10: -$175

Up $21

June 28, 2011 - Las Vegas, NV - Day Two

     I entered the unique and interesting surroundings of the Circus Circus casino around noon. I was ready to forget about my WSOP FAIL and play some cash games. However, the CC poker room isn't a 24 hour action room and there wasn't a soul to be found anywhere. OK...I guess I'll walk over to the Riviera.

Circus Circus' empty poker room: send in the clowns, where are they clowns?

The Riviera is all about class

     The Riviera was so much better than Circus Circus. They had "one" full table of 1/2 NL Hold'em going. Wow, not really too exciting. The only action I felt like taking at The Riv was that they did randomly have a makeshift arcade in one of their hallways that had both a Taxi pinball machine and a Spy Hunter game. Like I said The Riv pwned CC in terms of action, but after one game of Taxi and Spy Hunter I was back on the sidewalk of Las Vegas Blvd to search out a cash game.

The Riviera Poker Room and their one table of 1/2 NL Hold'em

Taxi Pinball Machine

Spy Hunter - one of the best arcade games of all-time

     I knew The Wynn would have games going.

     I got the action I was looking for as The Wynn had 4 1/3 NL Hold'em games going. Unfortunately, the cards weren't on my side at one of the IMO nicer rooms on the strip. I never really got anything going and after what was either a great read or a stupid laydown half of my chips were gone. I ended up running into pocket QQ holding pocket 77 on a flop of 654 rainbow where I shoved the rest of my stack. The villain called and I didn't improve. Boom, my first buy-in gone. I wasn't feeling it at the table, so once again I started heading down LV Blvd.

The Infamous O'Shea's Casino

     The beauty of Vegas is that at one moment you can be in a high end place like The Wynn and the next you can be drinking cheap beer and having the hot Vegas air blowing in your face at O'Shea's. The O'Shea's poker room is pretty much just a novelty; tables are literally almost on the sidewalk and the open air and random people walking by on The Strip invade the poker game constantly. I played 1/2 NL Hold'em at O'Shea's for about an hour and had my fill as I left up 7 whole dollars.

     I left O'Shea's for Planet Hollywood and the sad thing about my time at PH was that the most exciting thing to happen was The Hangover slot machine I played and won $114 on. It was the Stu progressive jackpot that gave me my windfall on this penny slot machine.

     I was card dead my whole time at Planet Hollywood. The 1/2 NL Hold'em game was normal. The players were playing straight forward ABC poker but after no significant hands or pots I was down $71 after 7 hours. On a side note the University of South Carolina Gamecocks won their second consecutive College World Series while I was playing. GO COCKS!!!

     I headed over to MGM around midnight and my cold cards followed me. Again, nothing and I mean nothing developed. I was hoping to find a Pot Limit Omaha game to play somewhere since I was getting brutalized in Hold'em holdings, but none of these rooms were running any PLO. 3 hours at MGM and down $152. It was time to stop the bleeding and head home to The Strat.

The Wynn 1/3 NL Hold'em 2 hours: -$300
O'Shea's 1/2 NL Hold'em 1 hour: $7
Planet Hollywood 1/2 NL Hold'em 7 hours: -$71
MGM 1/2 NL Hold'em 3 hours: -$152

Down -$495

The Ghost Town of the Pine Barrens

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 01:42:13 GMT

PHOTO BLOG: BATSTO VILLAGE

When you usually think of ghost towns you usually picture tumbleweeds going through somewhere in Arizona or Nevada, but located right in the heart of the New Jersey Pine Barrens is a town that time has forgotten. Batsto Village was founded in 1766 and survived until 1989. Today the streets and houses are empty. Walking around this abandoned town is much like a time warp into the past and a reminder that nothing lasts forever.

Inside the Wharton State Forest is where you can find Batsto Village. The town is a registered historical place and is maintained by the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection which explains why the houses don't have broken windows and why the walls haven't crumbled. But like everything else in the Pine Barrens there lives a vibe of eerieness and something strange.

The Batsto River

The Batsto General Store

An Abandoned Mansion

An Empty Stable

Batsto Village: The Ghost Town of the Pine Barrens

Comic Review: Batman Arkham City #1

Jeff Larsen — Sat, 14 May 2011 20:07:00 GMT

     The video game "Batman: Arkham Asylum" is the best video game ever based on a comic book character. So I was anxious to check out this mini-series by DC Comics that is intended to bridge the gap between "Batman: AA" and the upcoming "Batman: Arkham City" video game. First of all the cover kicks ass and the first few pages are true to form with the ending of "Batman: Arkham Asylum". It shows The Dark Knight defeating a Titan fueled Joker, but unlike the game where Batman and Commissioner Gordon hear a radio call about Two-Face robbing a bank the comic jumps ahead one full year to where the former warden of Arkham Asylum is now Mayor of Gotham and the plot revolves around two thugs named Terry and Tracy Trask who have made use of leftover Titan barrels from the Arkham riots.

     Wait? Why not just pick up with Two-Face robbing the bank? Two-Face does make an appearance as he is the one that hired the Trask siblings to oversee the barrels of Titan, but he quickly takes a back seat to some other mysterious figure who seems to be plotting something awful for the Cape Crusader. While I'm sure the action and gameplay of "Batman: Arkham City" the video game will remain true to the original, if this first issue of the comic series is any indication of the upcoming plot for the game then I definitely see a drop-off coming. There's an incident in the comic that serves as a catalyst for the formation of Arkham City, basically a prison within the city of Gotham, but the tone of the narrative hints of 9/11 false flags and the notion of Batman battling badies in one enclosed location is all too familiar.

     In closing, I still look forward to playing "Batman: Arkham City" when it's released on October 18, 2011, but this comic has me questioning the storyline. When it comes to video games I always do stress gameplay over plot but after hours and hours in front of your X-Box eventually it's the story and characters that can make a great game a classic.

BATMAN ARKHAM CITY #1            READ IT!!!    SKIP IT!!!    BURN IT!!!

Best of 2010

Jeff Larsen — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 19:11:00 GMT

Below you'll see what I read, watched and played in 2010 (doesn't mean they necessary came out in 2010, I just got around to experiencing them this year). They are listed from top to bottom in the order of worst to best:

BOOKS

TOP OF THE HEAP - by Erle Stanley Gardner
     The ending will leave you feeling flat much like the plot and character development.

EMPIRE - by Orson Scott Card
     The book that inspired the X-Box Live classic game "Shadow Complex" had potential but didn't really deliver.

MAUS - by Art Spiegelman
     An interesting read but the pacing kind of drags.

BOOK OF THE YEAR

THE GODFATHER OF POKER - by Doyle Brunson
     This is a must read if you play poker.

MOVIES

MACGRUBER - AWFUL
     Easily the worst movie of the year.

GET HIM TO THE GREEK - AWFUL

IRON MAN 2 - OK

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD - OK

BLACK SWAN - OK

TOY STORY 3 - OK

INCEPTION - EXCELLENT

WINTER'S BONE - EXCELLENT

MOVIE OF THE YEAR

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - EXCELLENT
     Whether you understand the Facebook phenomenon or not this film will keep you captivated from beginning to end.

VIDEO GAMES

PUZZLE QUEST
     A twist on the classic Bejeweled game but gets repetitive quick and the story and RPG elements aren't strong enough for you to want to keep playing.

RESIDENT EVIL 5: LOST IN NIGHTMARES
     There are a few exciting moments in this expansion to the classic horror game but overall this download probably isn't worth the extra $$$.

PINBALL FX2
     It's a decent diversion from the games in your rotation but if you want to play pinball please go play the real thing. The industry needs your support!

INFECTONATOR! WORLD DOMINATOR
     You want to destroy the world and waste time at work? Then this "Free Game" is perfect for you!

X-MEN ARCADE
     Relive the early 1990's again with this direct import to X-Box Live from the age of the end of the arcades. FYI - the Japanese version is the version worth playing.

GTA IV: THE BALLAD OF GAY TONY
     Can't get enough of Liberty City? Then check out this GTA IV expansion that contains some of the most action packed mission in the GTA series' history.

DRAGON AGE ORIGINS
     A truly epic and amazing game. I really put some hours into DA in 2010 beating the main game and the following expansions:
     Dragon Age Origins - The Stone Prisoner
     Dragon Age Origins - Warden's Keep
     Dragon Age Origins - Awakening

BATMAN ARKHAM ASYLUM
     An instant classic, this is one of my all-time faves and the best video game based on a comic book ever!

GAME OF THE YEAR

RED DEAD REDEMPTION
     "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" meets "Grand Theft Auto" and it couldn't have been executed better. The grand scope of the world was engrossing. Some nights I would just spend picking flowers and hunting critters. Some nights I would brave the deadly area know as Tanner's Reach. Nothing beat forming a Posse with your friends over X-Box Live and ruling the terrain with an iron fist.

HAPPY 2011 FROM WELLHUNGOVER.NET!!!

Cheers for a Christmas Zombie

Jeff Larsen — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 23:36:00 GMT

     The holidays can be stressful so what better way to relax and destroy a few brain cells than with a new drink of mine called "The Christmas Zombie". It's a updated and somewhat stripped down version of the classic "Zombie" drink, but after all the money you've spent this month do you really need to waste anymore on frivolous things like grenadine, apricot brandy and Angostura bitters. Also, garnishes like cherries and oranges have been left out; my version of the "Zombie" is basically just booze and juice. Quick and easy to make so you can get your buzz on by the time Uncle Eddie arrives in "Christmas Vacation".

Here's what you need:

1 Bottle of White Rum - I went with Cruzan from St. Croix it's one of the best rums for mixing.

1 Bottle of Dark Rum - To pick things up a notch go with Gosling's from Bermuda, but be careful kiddies at 151 proof this shit is flammable, so just imagine what it's doing to your body.

1 Bottle of Pineapple Juice

1 Bottle of Orange Juice

The Formula

2 oz. white rum
1 oz dark rum
2 oz orange juice
2 oz pineapple juice

Shake and strain into a holiday glass with ice.

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
                                                                               Jeff

The Hunt for the Great Octoberfest Beer

Jeff Larsen — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 00:51:00 GMT

My own private Octoberfest

     Octoberfest 2010 has come and gone and after many bottles and many burps here are the 9 Best Octoberfest Beers you should be drinking from August to November:


9. Leinenkugel's Octoberfest

     For over five generations the Leinenkugel family based out of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin has been carefully brewing some of the best beers in the country. Their Octoberfest is what I would definitely called a very "traditional german-style marzen bier". The taste is kind of pale but you also feel the punch of hops and caramel that puts this beer on the list.

8. Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale

     OK, I know what your thinking "This isn't an Octoberfest beer?" And you're right! But this pumpkin ale is worth checking out and could change your view on beer while the leaves outside your windown change as well.

7. Dogfish Head Punkin Ale


     Here we go with another pumpkin ale that just bursts with brown sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg. And once again it is not an official "Octoberfest" beer but drinking one of these will certainly make you feel the autumn thunder.

6. Victory Festbier

     Now I'm as big as a Victory fanboy as anyone and I knew from the beginning that Victory's Festbier was going to make this list, and eventhough it is seductively smooth in drinkability and it does capture the german-style of brewing that is undeniably right for Octoberfest, I did find five beers I liked better, which isn't a bad thing IMO.

5. Hofbrau Munchen Oktoberfest

     Of course we need an authentic german beer on our list if we're doing a "Best of Octoberfest" list and this brew imported straight from Munich is simply outstanding. Some say that the Hofbrau Oktoberfest is the only real beer of Oktoberfest. I just say give me another.

4. Brooklyn Brewery Oktoberfest

     While some breweries try to get all fancy and go over the top with their seasonal attempts at an Octoberfest beer, the geniuses at Brooklyn Brewery realize that at the end of the day a good Octoberfest beer is nothing more than a nice lager that you just want to drink. Brooklyn Oktoberfest is rich, it's malty, and it's one of the best examples of what is right about a worldwide alcoholic autumn ritual.

3. Harpoon Octoberfest Beer

     The brewmakers at Harpoon love beer and love life and I love, love, love what they've made with their Octoberfest beer. They don't go overboard with the hops and they deliver a full-bodied lager that can turn any day long booze festival off the hook. Yes, off the hook!

2. Great Lakes Brewing Company Oktoberfest

     Pour a glass of GLBC's Oktoberfest into your favorite beer mug and you'll be entranced by it's pure amber glow. I've trashed the city of Cleveland plenty of times in the past and I find this brewery's "green friendly" message extremely gay, but there is no denying that they make one of the best Octoberfest beers in the world.

1. Samuel Adams Octoberfest

     When I started out on this journey to find the Best Octoberfest Beer I was pretty certain that I would find a contender to knock King Sam from his throne. However, there is a reason that the beer that started the Octoberfest beer boom is also it's most famous, Samuel Adams Octoberfest is everthing that a beer drinker dreams of as he/she looks forward to Fall. All the beers on this list are awesome and will please anyone's tastebuds as they finish raking leaves or watch football on the couch, but as far as the Best Octoberfest Beer goes Samuel Adams will most likely always be the Alpha and the Omega.

The Best Quotes From Season 1 of "Eastbound and Down"

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 03:29:00 GMT

The show "Eastbound and Down" is without a doubt one of the funniest shows that has been on television within easily the last 5 years. So before season 2 kicks off on HBO on September 26th, here are for your pleasure the very best quotes from season 1.

EPISODE 1 - FIRST CHAPTER

Kenny Powers: "Sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm."

Kenny Powers: "Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win, just like in life all my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball. I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick everyone."

Kenny Powers: "I think I'm going to need to change my pants...I'm kidding I didn't cum in my pants."

Principal Cutler: "I do plenty of swimming, cycling and running but I'm sure you know all about that."
Kenny Powers: "Actually, I don't. I play real sports, not trying to be the best at exercising."

Kenny Powers: "Don't want to break up the good time but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader...I'm just kidding."

Kenny Powers: "I've had a lot of memories in my life and sometimes you kind of have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones."

Kenny Powers: "Alright, so let me get this straight, so I'm going to pay for a blow job and I got to pay for a god damn hotel room too?"

Kenny Powers: "And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream? When I do you from behind?"

Kenny Powers: "I JUST HAVE A VERY HARD TIME EXPRESSING MY EMOTIONS! AND I CAN'T STOP FROM YELLING!!!"

Kenny Powers: "Sure I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. Honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That use to be called patriotism."

Kenny Powers: "Fuck your siding! God has taken a dump on my face."

Principal Cutler: "Settle down everyone that was Mr. Powers using some language that a bald eagle never uses."

EPISODE TWO - NEXT CHAPTER

Kenny Powers: "You know that's how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new set of AIDS."

Kenny Powers: "One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they had ever seen."

Kenny Powers: "How much ya'll give me if I slam dunk this thing into the trash can?" (SLAM!)

Kenny Powers: "Don't rev my shit. I'm trying to do something serious. I don't need you going fucking Maverick on me."

Clegg: "I was hanging out with those dudes in the parking lot."
Kenny Powers: "Doing what? Giving Robocop a blow job?"

Kenny Powers: "There's one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it and that image, that one image, is your big tits."

Kenny Powers: "If you won't listen to my words, then listen to my dancing feet."

Kenny Powers: "It was the egg rolls not the ecstasy."

EPISODE THREE - THE THIRD CHAPTER

Kenny Powers: "Smashing a brick through a fucking dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people."

Kenny Powers: "Alright, well I'm going to split because I have priors. See you at school."

Kenny Powers: "Every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill."

Kenny Powers: "You can smoke a peace pipe until your dick falls off but I ain't dancing with no fucking wolves, no matter how high I get."

Kenny Powers: "If there's one thing I hate its losing. If there's two things I hate its losing and getting cancer."

College Scout: "Watch it prick!"
Stevie Janowski: "Watch it ass blood!"

Kenny Powers: "Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless."

EPISODE FOUR - ANOTHER CHAPTER

Kenny Powers: "Sitting here waving around her cervix like its the hottest ticket in town."

Kenny Powers: "Honey I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead."

Kenny Powers: "This is my boss. Don't try and suck him off."

Kenny Powers: "Decent cookout April. I don't believe you've met my fuck buddy Tracy."

EPISODE FIVE - THE FIFTH CHAPTER

Kenny Powers: "When my ass was 34 years-old I quit professional baseball. I haven't played professionally for several years now, but in my heart I've quit for real this time. Tonight. It's time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit. Therefore I will now settle into this new life. I'll find new ways in which to use this arm. I'll take my current responsibilities seriously. Try and do them the best I possibly can, realizing that the love of my life has chosen another I will move forward without her. I do all these things not because I want to but because I have to. From this moment forward Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal, not special, no hopes or dreams, pretending to be happy when he's really super sad. Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forward The People's Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master, The Man With The Golden Dick, Doctor Cock And Balls, that Kenny Powers is now dead and he will never pick-up a baseball ever fucking again. Chapter 2, next chapter.

Kenny Powers: "I just figured I might as well look the part."
April: "The part of what?"
Kenny Powers: "Just a normal regular teacher. No hopes or dreams, absolutely nothing. Just waiting to die. Just like you guys."

Kenny Powers: "You want to fight you do it on your own time. In a parking lot somewhere, not in a school surrounded by books."

Bodyguard: "This bar smells like an old lady farted piss."

Ashley Schaeffer: "This isn't a game anymore."

Stevie Janowski: "I feel 10 feet tall right now and as strong as an ox."
Reggie MacWorthy: "Who the fuck is this guy?"
Stevie Janowski: "Who the fuck are you?! Huh? Who the fuck are you?!"

EPISODE SIX - THE FINAL CHAPTER (OR IS IT???)

Kenny Powers: "April, I know all this OK, but I like hearing it so go on."

Kenny Powers: "I wanted you to think you were coming with me. Consider it my final gift to you."

Kenny Powers: "Little baby Rose, I'm sorry we didn't get much of a chance to hang out. To be honest with you sometimes I forgot you even existed."

Kenny Powers: "Alright you storked little bastard, in the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours."

The Jilly's Report Volume 1 #1

Jeff Larsen — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 18:49:00 GMT

Ever since the beginning of Memorial Day Weekend I've been trying to get over to Jilly's Arcade in Ocean City, NJ to get in some pinball action. I didn't really get to play that much last weekend but I made up for it this weekend where I got three replays on three very awesome machines.

     The Iron Man pinball machine is Stern's newest release and a great machine to play. Jilly's is offering the game for only 25 cents a play which is a tremendous deal given that the machine is brand spanking new. I played Iron Man for the first time at a Pinball Convention back in May but I didn't really get to explore the machine in the short time I had playing it, but after about $2 in quarters I got my first replay of the 2010 Summer Pinball Season when I scored 12.3 million. The trick is unlocking a battle with Iron Monger, a battle that truly feels like you're fighting him toe-to-toe. If you beat Iron Monger by hitting him seven times directly with the ball a multiball ensues. Also if you can start the War Machine multiball you're pretty much insured of cracking the replay.


     The Lord of the Rings pinball machine is another great game you'll find at Jilly's. However, the game has no sound and it's very weird to play pinball without any sounds, but maybe it made me focus more because on my first quarter I racked up 26 million and got another replay score. FYI - The Adams Family pinball machine at Jilly's also does not have any sound. This is kind of unusual in comparison to Jilly's normal efficiency of maintaining their machines but I'm assuming these machines have gotten a lot of use during this weekend and last week's 3 day weekend.

     My final replay of this weekend came on the Batman pinball machine. This game is very entertaining and like the other 2 machines it too only costs a quarter to play. You got to love Jilly's!!! What's funny about this was that I was only 60,000 away from getting the replay during my Iron Man and LOR pinball session on Saturday. I had to leave for the day but I came back on Sunday for a brief session and on my second quarter I registered a score of 32 million and got the replay. It was pretty sick. I had both the Joker multiball and Scarecrow multiball going at the same time for a total of six balls going at once on the board. I got the replay on my second ball and my third ball was one of those "plunge and watch the ball go straight down the middle" kind of balls, but I was happy with my score of 32 million so it didn't bother me.

Summary

Iron Man                    12,300,000
Lord of the Rings    26,000,000
Batman                      32,000,000

     This summer Jilly's has 18 pinball machines in operation and I'm looking to get a replay on each one of them by the end of Labor Day Weekend. There's still plenty of skeeball and other new and old school arcade games around. I know that they are open everyday until midnight, but I didn't get a confirmed answer on whether if or when they'll be open 24 hours a day like they were last summer. I'll try and get that answered for the next report.

The Best Movies of The 2000's

Jeff Larsen — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 01:14:00 GMT

We are already halfway through 2010 but I don't think it's too late for me to introduce what I think were the best movies of the last decade (2000 - 2009) in alphabetical order:

Amelie (2001)
One of the most original and interesting movies you will ever see.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
A comedy classic that will forever be quoted.

City of God (2002)
The movie that pretty much blows away Season 4 of "The Wire".

The Hangover (2009)
Without question the best closing credits of all-time.


The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001, 2002, 2003)
The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King, collectively perhaps the greatest achievement in cinema history.

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
A fresh and unique take on the teen comedy.
"How much do you want to bet me that I can throw a football over them mountains!" - Uncle Rico

Sideways (2004)
The best written film of the decade that also includes the strongest performances of the last ten years.

Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Still my favorite comic book movie of all-time.

Team America: World Police (2004)
AMERICA...FUCK YEAH!!!

     I guess its pretty sad that over the last 10 years there where really only 9 movies that I consider truly outstanding, and 5 of them were in 2004 alone, wow what a year for movies.
     So far in 2010 all I've seen in the theaters has been "Iron Man 2", which was just OK, but this decade still has 9 1/2 more years to catch up with the past decade.

Captain America #600 Review

Jeff Larsen — Wed, 19 May 2010 00:34:00 GMT

Captain America #600
Published by: Marvel
Story by: Alex Ross and a bunch of douches (minus Joe Simon and Stan Lee)
Art by: Alex Ross and a bunch of douches

     The review for this comic book is really simple. If you like this cover by Alex Ross than buy it. If you don't, then this is an easy issue to pass on. As with any milestone issue whether it be #100, #200 or #600 there's always more involved than just your normal story. The two main bonus highlights involved in this issue are a complete comic book cover gallery of every Cap Issue in existence and a cool insert called "My Bulletin Board" by Joe Simon. Simon uses his time is this issue to give the reader an inside look at what went into making an American icon. Little things like how the shield was suppose to be drawn and the proper placement of the A on Steve Rodgers head and the star on his chest. As for the cover gallery it serves as a one stop reference guide to know what all 600 issues of Captain America look like. And with this knowledge you can see that it was right around issue #428 that the road that got Captain America where he is today began.

     Yes, I'd say for the last 16 years the storylines of Captain America have been complete crap and all the recent work inside issue #600 supports this. The whole assassination story is easily one of the worst in comic book history and maybe someday someone will get the clowns that are running Marvel out of there, but for now we can at least enjoy an amazing cover by Alex Ross to help remember a time when Captain America was someone to believe in and rout for.

Killing In The Name Of Bee

Jeff Larsen — Sat, 08 May 2010 04:13:00 GMT

                                    vs

"It's a hell of thing, killing a bee. You take away everything he has and all he's ever gonna have." - JJ BANKS

     In a battle that lasted two days and two nights, on Tuesday May 4th 2010 JJ BANKS slewed The Mighty Bee of Haddon Township, NJ. Sure the bee had the benefit of multiple eyes and flight but JJ BANKS had the raw determination and giant can of wasp/hornet killer that was too much for the honeycombing invader.

     Drenched in sweat after his 48 hour battle that occurred in the dreary and damp basement of an undisclosed location in southern New Jersey, JJ BANKS had only this to offer:

     "I stand here tonight lucky to be alive. At first I hated and loathed my opponent. But it is only in the heat of combat that you can truly respect and understand someone, even if it is a 3 inch insect with the brain the size of a pushpin."

Jason Bourne's Splinter Cell: Conviction (Demo) Review

Jeff Larsen — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 23:27:00 GMT

Published by: Ubisoft
Developed by: Ubisoft Montreal
Genre: Third-Person Action


      When talks of a new "Splinter Cell" game started to circle awhile back my friends and I quickly grew excited at the notion of another kick-ass game featuring the legendary Sam Fisher. In 2005, "TC's SC: Chaos Theory" pushed the capabilities of the original X-Box to the limit with incredible lighting and a unique multiplayer experience. You'll find "Chaos Theory" among my favorite games of all-time.

     Wow! A lot can change in 5 years. With "Conviction" Ubisoft has really dropped the ball on what made "CT" something special. My friends were immediately turned off by the fact that the game no longer contains the "Spy" vs. "Merc" multiplayer and I was immediately turned off when I started playing the single person demo on X-Box Live. First of all after recently completing "Batman: Arkham Asylum" the only way I can compare the game controls of this to that is clunky. Even worse is a so called innovation called "Mark and Execute" that is just about as exciting as programming your DVR. Where "Batman: AA" might be one of the best action games ever made, "Conviction" doesn't even feel like an action game but more like a lame step-by-step process of hide here, push B here, mark and execute there and then follow the signs to your goal. Is this a video game or a skills test for a kid being tested for Down Syndrome?

Infiltrate the Mansion? How about "Don't Buy This Game!"

     You can't really get a full sense of a video game's story from a demo but you definitely can detect some awful voice acting (excluding Mr. Ironside), and given how amazing Splinter Cell CT's graphics were on the X-Box, Conviction's are really just kind of average. Now I have serious man-love for Michael Ironside but I don't dig Sam Fisher's new make-over giving him a more Damon look that I guess is suppose to give more identity, but all I keep thinking is "Matt Damon".

     Overall, "Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction" is a sad experience and the fact that the average gamer can beat the game in just about 8 hours makes you wonder if you could spend $60 somewhere else.

     DEMO TEST: FAIL

"That's how you play poker boys!"

Jeff Larsen — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 22:30:00 GMT

The following clip is from Season 6, Episode 11 of High Stakes Poker:

MIKE MATUSOW (KcKd) vs. DANIEL NEGREANU (9c8c)

"That's how you play poker boys!" - Mike Matusow

Really Mike? Flop a full house to Daniel's trip nines. Yes, well played indeed.

Now maybe you can work on not being such a douche and maybe act like you've won a hand before.

Sunday Movie Marathon

Jeff Larsen — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:20:00 GMT

"It's nice outside, let's stay inside all day and watch movies!"

Sunday April 18, 2010 - I was actually surprised I got up by noon after going to bed sometime around 5am. I looked outside, saw a nice blue sky with some clouds and I thought to myself, "What a perfect day to stay inside watching movies!"

And so the Sunday Movie Marathon had begun:

Second Skin
Directed by: Juan Carlos Pineiro-Escoriaza
Rated: NR
Runtime: 94 mins

     If you play video games on a regular basis they you will find something to relate to in this well made documentary about the lifestyles of people who play MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games). I've never even played a game like "World of Warcraft" but I'm very familiar with becoming obsessed with a video game. Currently I've spent over 4 days of my life playing "Modern Warfare 2". Thanks a lot Infinity Ward. I don't need to be reminded of this.
     The film does a good job of showing why gamers love what they do and it also shows the resentment some experience when socially and physically a game starts to consume them. A very interesting film with a wide array of characters who reveal themselves as the gamers behind their avatars.

5 Night Elves out of 5

The International
Directed by: Tom Tykwer
Rated: R
Runtime: 118 mins

     This film was beautifully shot and has cool music but it begins very slow, and at first I was starting to get tired of the over dramatic cold stares and "everything's so serious" feeling the director was trying to jam down my throat. I thought, "Is Hollywood so desperate for new ideas that they're now trying to make bankers scary?" I understand a bank foreclosing on your home is something no one wants to experience but does this really translate to the silver screen? However, in this film the bank wasn't interested in that house at the end of your block with the overgrown lawn and boarded up windows, no instead, I guess to spice things up, the big bad bank in this movie was into selling missiles and trying to stage political coups.
      BTW - could they make the title locators for all the destinations any smaller?
     So as much as the script and plot so far was well written and well organized I still didn't give a fuck about the movie because the simply truth was that the movie was about bankers. Who cares? Never once did I feel any suspense or fear from a bunch of pompous guys in suits. But then the film did a good job at spelling out one important thing: "Banks only make money when's there debt". And it was here the movie finally started getting interesting. You see, I never took an economics class in college so things like this are interesting to me.
     I know I might get flamed for saying this and believe me when I tell you that I'm a James Bond fan, but Clive Owen as an Interpol agent is about as close to how a "real" James Bond would truly act if a "real" SPECTRE existed. There are some over-the-top moments in the movie, most notably a huge shoot-out at The Guggenheim museum but it was clear that that scene was but in and probably extended to keep the action hungry fans of this film's demographic satisfied. Conspiracy theorists who talk of how evil banks are still have their heads up their asses though. Look, we need banks. We need credit cards. They let us do stuff they we otherwise couldn't at that moment in time, but falling into a world of loans and debts is much like drinking, where over-indulgence and going beyond your limit is what will always get you in trouble.

3 World Banks out of 5

Redneck Zombies
Directed by: Perciles Lewnes
Rating: NR
Runtime: 90 mins

     This was shot on video? Really? Did you even want to put some effort into this project? I mean c'mon the dumbest most generic kid from a local high school AV club could've made a better piece of shit than this. Poorly written, bad jokes, lame special effects, music composed straight from a Casio keyboard, horrible acting and terribly shot, everything and I mean everything to describe this waste of time screams cheap and awful.
     The plot revolves around a rural community in Maryland that has a thriving moonshine economy that becomes quickly in danger when a missing barrel of toxic waste enters the picture. And then....actually who gives a fuck? I'm not going to waste your time.
     The editing and what I guess I should call sound design is truly some of the worst I've ever seen and heard. The film does feature a pointless PSA by a creepy tobacco merchant with a bag over his head, a character who's a mixture between the late Billy Mays and Marty DiBergi, and plenty of custom made T-Shirts that are some kind of attempt at humor. The excessive blood and gore gets old fast and can only be judged as amateur and tasteless. Now, I'm all about movies that are so bad that they are good, but this trash is simply unforgivable.
     "Sometimes life sucks." - Jed (Pa) Clemson
     Yes, Jed sometimes it does

0 Bad Make-Up Jobs out of 5 - BTW - there is no chick in the movie as hot as the chick on the cover of the box. The film actually contains the worst pair of 80's tits I've ever seen and that's the only piece of nudity in the film, so don't even attempt watching this if you think you're going to get some gratuitous T&A.

The Lawnmower Man (1992)
Directed by: Brett Leonard
Rated: R
Runtime: 107 mins

     I remember seeing this for the first time back in my high school days and after witnessing that abortion that was "Redneck Zombies" I was looking forward to something that I knew I would enjoy, and thankfully this movie has held up over time. Yeah, it's pretty funny what everyone back in the '90's use to think about what virtual reality and cyber-space would be in the future, and yes you can probably create better graphics on your Mac than what was featured in this film but give the movie a break it was made back in 1992 and you have to admire the technological envelope it was pushing.
     I mean c'mon the film has Pierce Bronson in his before James Bond days as an ambitious, edgy and hard drinking scientist with an earring and a swanky leather jacket. The film also has the legend of '90's B-movies in Jeff Fahey who plays the lead role and has a striking resemblance to Trey Parker from "South Park" fame. Overall the film is cool and unique. It reminds me of another film I saw recently called "Altered States" where the goal seems to escape from a true reality instead of embracing it, but this kind of extra dimension stuff always fascinates me. However, one thing I did find troubling was the over abundant shots of both Bronson and Fahey basically doing everything with their shirts off, but that's nit-picking on a film that's one of a kind and a delightful trip back to the early 1990's.

3 Big Red's out of 5

Somersault (2004)
Directed by: Cate Shortland
Rating: NR
Runtime: 101 mins

     "Somersault" is an Australian film that throws you right into the harsh and sometimes brutal world of a young girl who gets caught seducing her Mom's live-in boyfriend and then runs away from home. The first thing I learned from the this film was that if you're a hot young girl you'll never be homeless, because they are more than enough guys out there willing to give shelter to a lonely and lost girl.
     The film has superb acting and honest character development and nudity...yes some very fine nudity. There's an interesting plot twist that is guaranteed to catch you off guard but the strongest part of the film is the way it shows how people express and deal with their emotions. It's funny that I don't have as much to say about "Somersault" as I do compared to the other films I've reviewed so far, maybe it's because this movie really sucks you in right from the beginning. I can't remember the last time before this film that I really cared about what happened to the characters involved. The film ends in a way that Hollywood would never allow but it ends in the way that it would and should.

4 Kids with Asperger's out of 5

Quick Sunday Movie Marathon Recap
1 Amazing Movie
1 Great Movie
2 Good Movies
1 Thing that I can't allow myself to all a movie and I hope that everyone involved with the production of it dies in a grease fire.